Sweaty day at the office

The only thing worth writing about is that Joel batted superbly to give us some hope of getting into the game, after a poor start which saw Northchurch reduced to 20 for four. Also, Chappers turned it loads and was often unplayable.

With that out of the way, here's some top tips.

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.